It’s the “Shoulds” that Hurt our Communities
"Stop should-ing yourself" is a phrase I often share when mentoring someone, usually younger than myself. The playful tone usually elicits a laugh because they mishear me at first. It's amusing, but it also helps them break free from the swirl of shame they were caught in. We've all found ourselves doing this, to our own detriment or that of others. In my decades of community work, I've realized that imposing "shoulds" onto others can cause lasting damage.
"She shouldn’t have had a child if she couldn’t afford it."
"He should have gotten a second job if he needed the money."
"They should have just moved if they couldn’t afford to live here."
"She should have just said no."
"He should have hung out with different people."
"They should have just asked for help."
"She should have spoken up."
"He should have figured it out."
"They should have known better."
Don't worry; I'm not passing judgment on you as much as calling out a behavior I used to engage in myself: the Shoulds. These Shoulds allow us to lack empathy by imposing expectations of where we think others should be, how they should act, or what they should have accomplished by now. However, this thought process fails to recognize the diverse circumstances and challenges individuals face. Instead of pushing our own agendas onto others, it's essential to meet people where they are.
When we insist on rigid "shoulds," we inadvertently hurt the very communities we aim to support. For instance, imagine encountering someone who is unhoused or homeless and immediately expecting them to have a job or a stable living situation. By doing so, we overlook the systemic barriers and personal struggles that may have led to their homelessness. Such assumptions only deepen the divide between us and those in need, fostering a sense of judgment rather than empathy.
By embracing empathy and understanding, we can break free from the constraints of "shoulds" and create a more compassionate society. This means taking the time to listen to others without judgment, seeking to understand their unique experiences, and offering support that meets their specific needs. Is this always easy? Absolutely not. Embracing our own discomfort can be its own meaningful path toward growth. Whether it's volunteering at a homeless shelter, advocating for policy or criminal justice reform, or simply lending a listening ear to someone in need, every act of empathy brings us closer to building a community where everyone feels valued and supported.
Meeting people where they are—without imposing our own expectations—lies at the heart of fostering genuine connections and creating positive change in the world. By letting go of rigid "shoulds" and embracing empathy, we can build bridges of understanding and compassion that uplift individuals and communities alike. Together, let's strive to see beyond the surface and extend a hand of empathy to all those we encounter on life's journey.